Life Sucks

During my seventeen years of life, I have come to this conclusion: life sucks.  Are there good times? Sure.  Is there always hope? Of course.  Nevertheless, life sucks.  When you work as hard as you can to achieve something, you have to continue working harder to achieve the next goal.  If you look in the mirror and like what you see, get the magnified mirror because you must be missing something.  If you do not like what you see, fix your face and body, not your mindset.  The more you give, the less you receive.  This is the twisted world we now face.  Romance is a hoax.  Friendship is conditional.  Do I honestly believe any of this? I do not know, but it is how I feel.  And I know I am supposed to cover these feelings; that is one of my specialties.  But, you know what? I am sick.  I am tired.  I am done.  I have struggled and fought with perfection my entire life, and he always wins.  I always lose.  I am an optimistic giver, and the world has been built to combat and destroy all that I am made of.  I believe in God.  I believe in Grace sufficient for all things.  I scare myself with the complacent placement my heart has found itself in.  I pray about it.  I know God listens, but I need a response now.  Or so I think...this is just another trick of the cruel world, also known as the Enemy.

The Man 5 Houses Down

       I cannot tell you his name.  He may have a wife he treat(s/ed) like royalty, a son in his spittin' image, a granddaughter whom looks forward to nothing more than a trip to his house, but I would not know.  I cannot tell you his age, though a completely grey head gives way to assumptions that he has lived a fair share of sunrises and sunsets...not a fair enough share.  I know him as the encouraging man five houses down.  Whenever I run and feel as though I cannot go on(whether in my workout or in life in general) I go by his house and he takes a pause from washing his truck to give me a smile, thumbs up, and on occasion, an encouraging word.  For seven days now, one week, I have run by that house with no such experience.  The truck is gone.  Yesterday, two American flags and two military flags were in his yard.  It is Memorial Day weekend.  Perhaps that is why they were placed there? So where is he? I suppose he must have served our country? I suppose he has saved me in multiple ways.  And I cannot tell you his name.  Did he have a good life?  Was he prepared to leave? Is he gone? Permanently? Although the phrase YOLO rides on the wrong side of my nerves, our shortage of time has been on my mind more than usual as of late- almost to a bothered state.  Death is natural.  It is not negative.  It is not the enemy.  Death is not truly what we fear.  Death marks the moment we have no more moments to do all we need to, all we want to, all we were meant to.  We are afraid of the lack of life we may or may not have accomplished when our time to meet Jesus comes.  Do not live in fear.  Let that fear be the fuel to chase your dreams, no matter how trivial they may seem.  And pray that I can take my own advice.

She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain when She Comes

     Well, it has been awhile. During this time, my entire world has been altered, yet, at the same time, it is all the same. I have been diagnosed with PCOS, poly cystic ovarian syndrome (not to be confused with poly cystic ovaries.)  This comes along with a list of beyond annoying symptoms.  Pray for me, por favor.  My junior year prom is totally out of hands and will more than likely not come close to any expectations I had hoped for.  However, I got a free and spectacular dress and a date!  No, he is not my boyfriend.  I am unaware for certain any non-friendly feelings... never say never, though, right? I do feel bad for him.  It will take a lot right now for the exception to prove to me the rule I have validated that a boy being anything more than my friend is a complete and utter fail.  They are so good at keepin' you strung along, being great at moments, then, at the worst possible moment, becoming so unresponsive and/ or rude, one may or not write songs about it... anyhow, right now is just a giant "wait a moment" from life.  I will try keep you updated... in less than six months this time.  Be breezy, long lost amigos.

A Letter Never Sent.

Dear Friend:
          You definitely don't know me, and I hardly know you
But I saw your face across the place, and I knew.
I knew I wanted to love you, save you.
But maybe, just possibly, I'm the one who needs you to save me.
 You're the greatest thing I've never known and perhaps if we gave it a whirl,
Maybe I could be your favorite girl, maybe I could better you world.
What do you want; what do you need?
I swear I'll bruise trying to be.
But who am I to think you owe me any favors.
I'm not asking for your life, not even for your hand.
You have my heart, may I at least have a dance?
I'm only asking for a chance
As a friend, as support, if you wanted, romance.
But that's your choice to make
And the weather's lookin' grey.
All we've got is time,
But time is not on my side.
So please give me an answer, even if it's goodbye.
I think I'll take that back.
Please allow me to dream safely from afar.
Wish I may, wish I might, I'm not too proud to wish upon a star,
Or to pray to a God whom I know has far more important things to worry about than me.
This may be silly, but it's evident, and that's the only anything I see clearly.
But you'll never see this, and even if so, never know it's meant for you.
Dream, I shall, though it's more like a nightmare, and I'll lie through a smile, cause I'm good at it.
In fact, it's the best thing I do.
 -Me