The 17th Year.

       Well, as of the 5th of January of this year, 2013, I am now 17 years of age.  I feel like I have little to show for it.  I should already have a record deal and Oscar nomination..or at least just one of these.  A character of a long- running television drama would suffice.  Time is flying by.  But not in a good way as I work my way through life (high-school) with giving as little of my heart and soul away to have a steady, normal friend base.  The result?" I know everyone" and everyone knows who I am...but few know me... if any.  I am not looking for pity or sympathy.  I just want to feel something.  I can be so driven.  I can be so disciplined.  So why am I not? Or why am I not getting anywhere with it?  I want to make a difference.  I want to be something.  I want to be someone.  At times I feel as though my feelings are so strong for a reason.  I am destined for more than typicality. And other times I feel as though every middle class American is a bundle of broken dreams and regret.  This regret may be for things wished to be undone.  And some regrets, most I would imagine, are the lack of spontaneity, the risks not taken.  Money can buy happiness.  However, money cannot fill voids nor provide lasting joys.  Still essential to life, of course it is, but it sure does complicate things. Then there are relationships.  A junior in high-school should have a best best friend and boy friend at all times, right?  Boy, I hope not.  If so, add another fail to the list.  Do not get me wrong, I am not one of those girls who gets all mushy gushy, but every human, if honest, craves someone to get that.  We want to be wanted by someone we want.  Chivalry may not be completely dead, but it sure is rare... or taken.  I get so caught in my dreams because reality never measures up, but those dreams build up upon themselves and reality only disappoints me even more.  I hope there is a point to it all.  I hope I have a destiny. But once more, this all still revolves around dreams.  Sometimes I push just to get through the day to escape to music or film or literature or my own chaotic mind to bring some creative peace that may not be real, but it sure makes me feel better.  That is until reality rises with the sun.  It is a vicious cycle.  Almost like alcohol and a hangover.  And suddenly addicts are viewed by me more as victims rather than bad guys.  Coping negatively with negative situations is only natural.  Positive proaction is far more difficult.  I feel a certain extent of numbness.  And that frightens me far more than any pain.

Let's Get Real.

             Another first week of school down. Whoop, I have survived! This year's goal, however, is not to simply survive, but rather to, dare I say, enjoy it.  Though I am young still, I realized to my dismay, I am growing older. Perhaps not taller, but I rest my case. I don't have as much time as I once did. I don't have enough time to put school first, work first, money first, reputation first, etc.  If the world finds me successful, I have failed.  Sidenote: speaking of high-school, to you "kool kids": You are not.  I enjoy your nerdy moments far beyond any "I'm too cool for that", "I don't care" moments. In fact, it burns my biscuits.  And I don't care how much you paid for your shoes.  At any rate, another note I'd like to make, not everything in life is a soap opera.  It's okay to cry and not to be okay, and it's even okay for this to happen for no reason. Now, don't get me wrong, staying in this mood could cause issues, but let's not pretend like we're reenacting "Titanic" (don't get me started with my dislike for this, either); what were to happen if we got real. If we didn't beat around the bush of feelings we all encounter.  It's not a code, or bad, or rare thing. It is natural.  I know just as much as anyone, more than most, that self-esteem issues are an every-day battle.  There is no cure for this. I am sure even the most accomplished(whatever that means) human has insecurities. Just remember kids, it's not what you do or have, but how you rock it. And people don't love people for the number of Honor Roll certificates or Grammies or Olympic gold medals. People love people who are able to love them. But in order to love others, you have to be able to love yourself(love and stuck up your own butt have different meanings..)
Laugh. Smile. Love. Be a friend. Allow others to be a friend to you.  Be selflessly selfish. Your reflection(inside and out) will thank you. As will the world.