The 17th Year.

       Well, as of the 5th of January of this year, 2013, I am now 17 years of age.  I feel like I have little to show for it.  I should already have a record deal and Oscar nomination..or at least just one of these.  A character of a long- running television drama would suffice.  Time is flying by.  But not in a good way as I work my way through life (high-school) with giving as little of my heart and soul away to have a steady, normal friend base.  The result?" I know everyone" and everyone knows who I am...but few know me... if any.  I am not looking for pity or sympathy.  I just want to feel something.  I can be so driven.  I can be so disciplined.  So why am I not? Or why am I not getting anywhere with it?  I want to make a difference.  I want to be something.  I want to be someone.  At times I feel as though my feelings are so strong for a reason.  I am destined for more than typicality. And other times I feel as though every middle class American is a bundle of broken dreams and regret.  This regret may be for things wished to be undone.  And some regrets, most I would imagine, are the lack of spontaneity, the risks not taken.  Money can buy happiness.  However, money cannot fill voids nor provide lasting joys.  Still essential to life, of course it is, but it sure does complicate things. Then there are relationships.  A junior in high-school should have a best best friend and boy friend at all times, right?  Boy, I hope not.  If so, add another fail to the list.  Do not get me wrong, I am not one of those girls who gets all mushy gushy, but every human, if honest, craves someone to get that.  We want to be wanted by someone we want.  Chivalry may not be completely dead, but it sure is rare... or taken.  I get so caught in my dreams because reality never measures up, but those dreams build up upon themselves and reality only disappoints me even more.  I hope there is a point to it all.  I hope I have a destiny. But once more, this all still revolves around dreams.  Sometimes I push just to get through the day to escape to music or film or literature or my own chaotic mind to bring some creative peace that may not be real, but it sure makes me feel better.  That is until reality rises with the sun.  It is a vicious cycle.  Almost like alcohol and a hangover.  And suddenly addicts are viewed by me more as victims rather than bad guys.  Coping negatively with negative situations is only natural.  Positive proaction is far more difficult.  I feel a certain extent of numbness.  And that frightens me far more than any pain.

I'M IN LOVE! I'M IN LOVE! AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!!

               So, this title may be slightly deceiving. This is not a lie, but I doubt this blog will be what you all expect. I have come to a realization. Life sucks. Life will NEVER be perfect. We cannot wait for the world to get its ducks in a row for us to be happy.  "It"(whatever it may be) is not about that; "it" is about finding happiness through the crap,and boy, is there loads of that.  This, my friends, is true joy.  The relationships that grow from struggle, the friends that become family when everyone else turns their backs, when doors one would swear were the "thing" are slammed in our faces, when we find happiness in these is when we find the best moments of our lives. I am in love with life, not because I have the perfect lover, best hair ever, or dream job opportunities popping up, for I am single, my hair has a mind of it's own, a ginger curly mess, and I work at Chick- Fil- A while trying to get through this maze we call high-school.  I am in love with life because I finally realized it a choice neutral to situations.  I am happy because if I do not decide to be happy, there is, and will always be, far too much to keep me unhappy, depressed, even. I am going to love myself.  Note the "-ing" ending because I realize this will be a draining process. But I cannot love anything without loving myself. I deserve to feel beautiful, not because of pride, but because I realized it is ok, healthy, actually, to walk by a mirror and smile genuinely at what I see.  I decide to be happy because for too long I have allowed others and their opinions to define me.  Here I am. I am happy. I am in love.  This is a beginning, not an end.