Waiting To Be Saved By That Which Broke Me

You led me into your heart's room
And asked to be my groom.
I replied, "Yes, most certainly,"
But you  changed the lock after giving me the old key.
I'm turning pages,
And you're turning tables.
This fragile switching of phases
Nothing is stable.

I'm so in love, but I forgot to love myself.
I love you so very much, but you put me on the shelf.
You forgot to love me too.

While searching for your heart, I found your flaw.
While hiding to be found, I got lost.
While searching for our mountain, I found our fall.
While searching for the sun, I found the moon.
While searching for myself, I found you.

I'm so in love, but I forgot to love myself.
I love you so very much, but you put me on the shelf.
You forgot to love me too.

What a perfect disaster, messed so beautifully
Waiting to be saved by that which broke me.

Be. You. Tiful.

     If you are reading this, I want to be certain that you know and truly trust that you ARE worth loving.  A week ago today, I attended a So Worth Loving party to kickoff/ fundraise for their tour. For those of you, which is most likely the majority, who do not know what on earth I am talking about, allow to shed some light on the subject.  So Worth Loving is an Atlanta (woot whoop) based life-stlye clothing brand and now movement that literally the goal is to boost self- confidence.  "Love you. Love people." Chew on that for a bit...once that is digested, I want you to apply it to your life.  It is absolutely mind- blowing how much more we get accomplished, and how much better we feel when we love ourselves.  We have to love ourselves to genuinely love and be loved.  Next time you look in a mirror, instead of saying, " If only I could lose that inner thigh," or "Ugh, I wish I had hair like so and so," say "Thank you, legs, for being healthy so I can do all that I can." or "Wow, I have a great smile!" Comparison is the thief of joy.  I am preaching to the choir, I am fully aware.  My name is Cierra Motes, and I am SO worth loving.  I am worth taking pictures because I am pretty enough.  I am worth chasing my dreams because I am not a failure.  I am worth not being afraid to feeling inadequate.  I am worth doing what makes me happy.  I am worth being pursued by an incredible guy.  I am worthy.  Do I believe all of this yes? No. But I will repeat it day in and day out until I do.  And then, I am going to spread that message.

Love at First Sight?

       Love at first sight?  Hah!  I have always figured this a ridiculous notion existing only in the lame fictional love stories through which the author was not even creative enough to think of an inclination on a relationship.  This idea could not have been more wrong.  I do not know what happened, but I witnessed it.  I experienced it.  Something certainly was different about that boy I saw.  However, there were no butterflies, no fireworks, not anything in the mushy gushy category.  In fact, quite on the contrary, I could not decide whether he was utterly ignorant and I would never remotely like him as a human being, or he was that shy, awkward kid that could be the project of my often titled "social butterfly" self.  Either I would avoid him to save my nerves or break the ice, introduce him to a few other quiet types, feel good about my good deed as I went about making actual friends.  How would I find which would ring true?  Naturally, I compliment his dance moves during a group game.  After taking a few moments to either ignore me or look down (his well over 6ft stature towered over my under 5ft body) to realize I was speaking to him.  He replied with an almost confused, or amused, "thanks" and a half smile.  I had made no progress in my deciphering.  Turns out he is in my film class. Through class introductions (everyone loves those...not) it is revealed that his favorite movie is Forrest Gump and he wants to be a psyche major and build an orphanage in a third world country; I was shocked and amazed.  Was I  completely off base?  This impressiveness was altered when he slept through the rest of the class.  Not to toot my own horn, but I like to consider myself a decent people- reader.  I had been right so far about all these folks, and then, there was this guy.  The next day, as we moved from our classroom to the lecture hall, I formally introduced myself, not as if this were out of character for me.  He responded in a robotic, yet kind manner, returning the favor.  Since he has no idea  that I even have a blog, much less do I have his permission to use his name, we shall call him Landon, because, well, simply because I like that name.  Landon and I sat together that class.  After two hours, we left that classroom strangers still.  That evening, after being ditched three times and an awful and lonely ride, I was enjoying a girls' night with my R.A. group at the Voices of Lee and Newsboys concert.  I laughed, worshipped, hung out, and had a surprisingly good time.  This was only the beginning, little did I know.  Somehow, oh how I hated getting to the buses and deciding which fateful locomotive held the best possible next couple of hours of my life, I was separated once again from my group.  All I can say is, when we get out of His way, God does incredible things, even little things for the utter joy of His beloved children.  Landon was beside his roommate, Mason (keep in mind my own creating of names for security) in the back seat, I sat in front with the rad Grayson, and two girls I met in front of us.  As I climbed to my inner window seat, Landon was making rhythmical taps and beats with his hands and feet.  Of course, I informed him that I was the only white girl on a step/ dance team, and, this time, I shocked him...in a good way.  Turns out, so was he, with the exception of guys, not girls.  Then, how this happened I have yet to know, we all began singing, sometimes pretty darn well, if I may add.  Country songs, movie songs, classic songs, R&B songs, you name it, we performed it.  After running low on a music pool of things we all knew, we chilled and chatted.  Mason was speaking to the lovely female in front of me, so I attempted to scoot over so as not to interfere since Grayson did not mind.  This also moved me closer to Landon.  Once again, exactly how it happened is a blur, this ride went into morning hours, anyhow, we began talking about music.  I listened to, how does one put it, little- known music, and guess what? So did Landon.  He asked me about countless bands and I was amazed to find this guy who wore Polo ( no offense anyone) not only knew about, but liked.  Then I mentioned how the greatest show I ever went to was Needtobreathe, who was very possibly my favorite band, which for me, the indecisive girl who listens to SO much music, is a major deal even playing with the idea of favorites.  Landon's jaw literally dropped.  In the darkness I had failed to notice, which he quickly revealed, his Needtobreathe shirt he was wearing because they were his favorite band.  This continued until, unfortunately, we arrived back to that beautiful Lee University campus.  As we unloaded, foot plus height difference and all, Landon told his R.A. Josh, arguably one of the coolest people to ever walk this planet, that we were having a moment.  My heart dropped.  My life up until this moment had given little time or care to the pursuit of fairytale, emphasis on "up until this moment."  After a hug from this new, friend, I suppose we could call, I walked back to my dorm feeling more girly than I ever had.  The next day, Landon asked to sit by me in class, yes, this shy guy initiated something, and this time, nothing was strange.  We walked to our group meeting and I fell in love with every detail he told me about himself.  He was a dancer.  He was from Athens, argo, a GA Dawgs fan.  He taught ballroom dance and etiquette classes.  He was humble (this one he did not tell me; I figured it out.)  The walk from one side of campus to the other went by unnaturally quickly, and upon walking in, he was saying something about us sitting somewhere when I was summoned by my group.  I went over to them, hurting both of our feelings, and I would have certainly done that differently if I could redo.  However, I caught up with him later on the way to bowling, and this bus ride is quite frankly the best moment of my seventeen years at this present moment.  We listened to music, our music, as he shared more and more beautiful details of himself.  He even  showed pictures and videos to assist commentate.  He took a gorgeous down syndrome young lady to prom.  He genuinely loved his family.  He enjoyed deep conversations about life.  He went to Goodwill to buy long sleeve tees, which he really liked.  He goes by his middle name.  He plays basketball.  He cannot drink regular chocolate milk because his friend and he had discovered some sort of organic chocolate milk that he swears is the best ever.  His brother and my brother have the same name.  His favorite number is three.  He loves Jesus.  He jokingly asked me to marry him, took a picture of us that he sent to his home friends that "approved." My heart did not just drop.  More like it flew or was stolen.  Once again, we had so very much in common, but I could not even focus on this fact because I was so infatuated with who he was and his heart, not a shallow, obsessive infatuation like that of a starstruck fangirl.  I legitimately wanted to spend time with him and learn more about him.  It made me content.  And how he acted made me think the feeling was mutual.  The next week and a half flew by.  Schedule conflicts and other factors hindered and actually drew us apart to an extent.  Here I sit, another week after it all ended.  Upon asking for one last hug in case we never saw each other again, although there did not seem to be much confidence behind the words, Landon replied, "We will."  So that initial strange feeling, was it love at first sight?  Interest at first sight?  Dislike at first sight that completely changed in a short time period?  Or, perhaps, it was no stereotype nor known described cliche.  Perhaps Landon and I had something, created something, that was not in any of the history or fiction books.  This seems exciting, oh, it was! But there are certainly tough repercussions that follow. How does one move one, yet not let go of, the greatest experience that has potential to not totally end?  Being a girl sucks.  The waiting game, waiting to be chased and cared for my our very own Prince Charming, is so much more difficult when it is with someone you hardly know that lives, well, not next door, to say the least.  Distance leaves me more confused than ever.  Prayer upon prayer, wish upon wish, flower upon flower, star upon star, maybe, just maybe the person you fall for falls head over heels for you as well.  This is not the end to this story.  I will not let it be.  Just a quick last word of advice, ask her/ him to dance.

Masterpiece of Tangled Beauty and Beast

     We are all breaking, if not broken.  The said words are less important than the unspoken.  If I thought it'd do any good, I'd share a token, the most valuable thing I own, but poor in money, I'm rich in the unseen. But you don't care much for that; it doesn't produce a pretty penny.  As the dagger hits your heart, I see your swollen eyes soften. The three most deceiving, most healing words, said too often, but not meant enough: "I love you." But does anyone? Have we allowed sacrifice, being selfishly selfless, show us what to truly love truly means?  And so, what have we to show, to be, without passion the actual root of anything. And so, it is all about the money, the fame, the items, the name.  If only we were so driven for mankind, the kind of man would be entirely changed.  First, the soul, then the face. Coping is sin, for not in the natural, but how we choose. What's your addiction, and perhaps I will share a glimpse of mine? Oh, no! Our mutual assistant would never allow that, goes by the title pride.  Have you ever seen anything so tragic? Encountered anything so beautiful? So messy the human heart?  The epic, age-old battle between spite and love, below and above, so evident yet so convoluted.  "It's complicated." We say everything lies in the grey area, yet we are the ones who twist it.    It is simple, right and wrong. Good and bad.  To love, not to love.  We add conditions, circumstances, track records, and suddenly the picture is an abstract piece of art.  A masterpiece of tangled beauty and beast. I have no answer, no potion, no wise word, or solution.  All I know at the end of a day full of dreams and their fitting procrastination: We are a purposed creation.

CHRISTMAS.

     Christmas- my absolute FAVORITE season has passed yet another year. Yet another year that it never felt like "Christmastime."  Another year that the holiday "creeped" upon us all, and we have yet to believe it is over.  It comes the same time each year.  How can we not be prepared for it?  Not necessarily what we wrap, but our hearts.  Why can we not believe it is Christmas? It sounds like a personal problem that even I, lover of any and all things Christmas, is guilty of.  It does not feel like Christmas because we do not feel like it.  I do not think this is a conscious doing.  I certainly do not go out of my way to rush through this time.  The world is going down hill.  This we all know.  And this is an inevitable sign of our coming again Lord that Christmas is built around at its essence.  However, how we respond is entirely up to us.  Let us be prepared.  Let us prepare our hearts, and others, of the joy, the magic, the love that only Christmas can bring in such a united manner.  Better yet, let us be Christmas to the world year 'round.  Challenge accepted.  Merry Christmas, and happy new year. Here's to the Christmas-est year ever of life...Until next year.

A Secret.

We're far too alike, you and I.
 We can't accept compliments and smile through the crap of life.
To each other we vent and confide
But we leave just the same.
We're growing and learning the meaning and importance of being selflessly selfish.
I wish I could put into words what this is; I wish I knew myself.
I have always been so independent,so what's this sudden need for help?
I don't wanna admit, but you are the nicest thing.
Nice in multiple ways and in multiple ways does my heart go.
I want this to remain a secret,but I want you to know.
We run around the rules,the ones that keep us from our fate.
We search for our shot,but end up being the bate.
Love- a word-an action,feeling,and state of being,
Said too often, and not meant enough.
But until my reflection shines true
I can't love me,and can't truly love you.

I'M IN LOVE! I'M IN LOVE! AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!!

               So, this title may be slightly deceiving. This is not a lie, but I doubt this blog will be what you all expect. I have come to a realization. Life sucks. Life will NEVER be perfect. We cannot wait for the world to get its ducks in a row for us to be happy.  "It"(whatever it may be) is not about that; "it" is about finding happiness through the crap,and boy, is there loads of that.  This, my friends, is true joy.  The relationships that grow from struggle, the friends that become family when everyone else turns their backs, when doors one would swear were the "thing" are slammed in our faces, when we find happiness in these is when we find the best moments of our lives. I am in love with life, not because I have the perfect lover, best hair ever, or dream job opportunities popping up, for I am single, my hair has a mind of it's own, a ginger curly mess, and I work at Chick- Fil- A while trying to get through this maze we call high-school.  I am in love with life because I finally realized it a choice neutral to situations.  I am happy because if I do not decide to be happy, there is, and will always be, far too much to keep me unhappy, depressed, even. I am going to love myself.  Note the "-ing" ending because I realize this will be a draining process. But I cannot love anything without loving myself. I deserve to feel beautiful, not because of pride, but because I realized it is ok, healthy, actually, to walk by a mirror and smile genuinely at what I see.  I decide to be happy because for too long I have allowed others and their opinions to define me.  Here I am. I am happy. I am in love.  This is a beginning, not an end.

I've Got a Basket Full of Lemons and They All Taste the Same.

"I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,a window and a pigeon with a broken wing.
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something,just to have it taken away.
People walk a tight rope on a razors edge carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen, or a thought or a word or a sentence.
The wind blows wild and I may move, the politicians lie and I am not fooled.
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.
The air on my skin and the world under my toes, slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow.
There ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes."
                                             -Brett Dennen: Ain't No Reason




"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."
                                          -Goo Goo Dolls: Iris

"I can finally see that you're right there beside me.
I am not my own, for I have been made anew.
Please don't let me go.
I desperately need you."
                                        -Owl City: Meteor Shower

"Just past the circumstance, the first light a second chance.
No child could ever dance the way you do oh.
Tear down the prison walls, don't stop the curtain calls.
Your chains will never fall until you do.

Don't let the night become the day; don't take the darkness to the grave.
I know pain is just a place. The will has been broken.
Don't let the fear become the hate; don't take the sadness to the grave.
I know the fight is on the way when the sides have been chosen.

Cause' if you never leave home, never let go, you'll never make it to the great unknown.
Open up your eyes, keep your eyes open.
So tell me you're strong, tell me you see, I need to hear it, can you promise me
To keep your eyes... open my love.
So show me your fire, show me your heart, you know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes... open my love
Keep your eyes... (keep your eyes open)"
                                          -Needtobreathe: Keep Your Eyes Open

"More times than not the ones you love are who you let down.
We're chasing something big our parents never tracked down.
The hardest part is looking back and making sense of the humble tries and troubled times of where we came from.

Still I'm feeling like a vagrant in my own town.
I'm like an awkward conversation.
All of this work and I ain't seein' any wages,
I ain't gonna stop until I do."
                                         -Needtobreathe: Tyrant Kings

                       Gosh, the list could go on forever! However, I doubt you have even have the time to read the snipets from the songs I did post.  Music is the universal language. Unlike most languages, though, it transcends the brain straight to the soul.  Music is particularly special to me, lyrics, especially.  Needtobreathe's Tyrant Kings lyrics, starting backwards, just for the heck of it, describes something I think every human, whether they admit it or not, deals with at some point.  It speaks of not belonging, feeling alone, unneeded, unwanted, and even pointless, hopeless. It also creates a stir of hope because it states " I ain't gonna stop until I do." Until I see results, until I get where I'm trying to go, I'll keep on keepin' on. Needtobreathe's Keep Your Eyes Open could be taken different ways, but I like to think of it as my Creator speaking to me. He's telling me not to settle for what majority of the world has. He's telling me He has more in store for me, epic plans! But that for whomever wants the most of this destiny can't sit in a comfort zone forever. In order to reach this, one must do brave things, maybe even seemingly stupid, with faith. One of my all time favorite lines is in this song: "Your chains will never fall until you do." I don't think I can add anything more to that; chew on it for awhile, will ya?  Owl City's Adam Young certainly has a way with words. Although Meteor Shower's lyrics are on the shorter, more simple side, it hits home.  Iris by the Goo Goo Doll's is an overall incredible song. As a personal thing, they may not be my very favorite band(no offense to anyone who thinks otherwise), but this song gives me chills every time I hear it. Between the tremendous, building instrumentals and words about someone who doesn't want to be noticed by so many who don't understand why (s)he is feeling what they're feeling, someone who in  a world of brokenness, of heartbreak, only wants this one particular thing to be okay.  One of the most brilliantly and heart-hitting songs in my opinion is Brett Dennen's Ain't No Reason.  It basically sums up life.  This song sums up how we don't know why we do what we do, but we do it anyhow, and how it's always been the way it is and always will be.  It sneakily declares the unfair, yet normal day-to-day issues and standards. This song also proclaims the rescue from the daily grind by love. The power of belief over twisted fact has such power. Free love sets free.  And he has a spectacular voice. I strongly encourage you all to look up and listen to, not hear, but actually listen to every single one of these masterpieces, and I will gladly share more music with any interested.  Well, that's a wrap, folks!

Let's Get Real.

             Another first week of school down. Whoop, I have survived! This year's goal, however, is not to simply survive, but rather to, dare I say, enjoy it.  Though I am young still, I realized to my dismay, I am growing older. Perhaps not taller, but I rest my case. I don't have as much time as I once did. I don't have enough time to put school first, work first, money first, reputation first, etc.  If the world finds me successful, I have failed.  Sidenote: speaking of high-school, to you "kool kids": You are not.  I enjoy your nerdy moments far beyond any "I'm too cool for that", "I don't care" moments. In fact, it burns my biscuits.  And I don't care how much you paid for your shoes.  At any rate, another note I'd like to make, not everything in life is a soap opera.  It's okay to cry and not to be okay, and it's even okay for this to happen for no reason. Now, don't get me wrong, staying in this mood could cause issues, but let's not pretend like we're reenacting "Titanic" (don't get me started with my dislike for this, either); what were to happen if we got real. If we didn't beat around the bush of feelings we all encounter.  It's not a code, or bad, or rare thing. It is natural.  I know just as much as anyone, more than most, that self-esteem issues are an every-day battle.  There is no cure for this. I am sure even the most accomplished(whatever that means) human has insecurities. Just remember kids, it's not what you do or have, but how you rock it. And people don't love people for the number of Honor Roll certificates or Grammies or Olympic gold medals. People love people who are able to love them. But in order to love others, you have to be able to love yourself(love and stuck up your own butt have different meanings..)
Laugh. Smile. Love. Be a friend. Allow others to be a friend to you.  Be selflessly selfish. Your reflection(inside and out) will thank you. As will the world.