Masterpiece of Tangled Beauty and Beast

     We are all breaking, if not broken.  The said words are less important than the unspoken.  If I thought it'd do any good, I'd share a token, the most valuable thing I own, but poor in money, I'm rich in the unseen. But you don't care much for that; it doesn't produce a pretty penny.  As the dagger hits your heart, I see your swollen eyes soften. The three most deceiving, most healing words, said too often, but not meant enough: "I love you." But does anyone? Have we allowed sacrifice, being selfishly selfless, show us what to truly love truly means?  And so, what have we to show, to be, without passion the actual root of anything. And so, it is all about the money, the fame, the items, the name.  If only we were so driven for mankind, the kind of man would be entirely changed.  First, the soul, then the face. Coping is sin, for not in the natural, but how we choose. What's your addiction, and perhaps I will share a glimpse of mine? Oh, no! Our mutual assistant would never allow that, goes by the title pride.  Have you ever seen anything so tragic? Encountered anything so beautiful? So messy the human heart?  The epic, age-old battle between spite and love, below and above, so evident yet so convoluted.  "It's complicated." We say everything lies in the grey area, yet we are the ones who twist it.    It is simple, right and wrong. Good and bad.  To love, not to love.  We add conditions, circumstances, track records, and suddenly the picture is an abstract piece of art.  A masterpiece of tangled beauty and beast. I have no answer, no potion, no wise word, or solution.  All I know at the end of a day full of dreams and their fitting procrastination: We are a purposed creation.

The 17th Year.

       Well, as of the 5th of January of this year, 2013, I am now 17 years of age.  I feel like I have little to show for it.  I should already have a record deal and Oscar nomination..or at least just one of these.  A character of a long- running television drama would suffice.  Time is flying by.  But not in a good way as I work my way through life (high-school) with giving as little of my heart and soul away to have a steady, normal friend base.  The result?" I know everyone" and everyone knows who I am...but few know me... if any.  I am not looking for pity or sympathy.  I just want to feel something.  I can be so driven.  I can be so disciplined.  So why am I not? Or why am I not getting anywhere with it?  I want to make a difference.  I want to be something.  I want to be someone.  At times I feel as though my feelings are so strong for a reason.  I am destined for more than typicality. And other times I feel as though every middle class American is a bundle of broken dreams and regret.  This regret may be for things wished to be undone.  And some regrets, most I would imagine, are the lack of spontaneity, the risks not taken.  Money can buy happiness.  However, money cannot fill voids nor provide lasting joys.  Still essential to life, of course it is, but it sure does complicate things. Then there are relationships.  A junior in high-school should have a best best friend and boy friend at all times, right?  Boy, I hope not.  If so, add another fail to the list.  Do not get me wrong, I am not one of those girls who gets all mushy gushy, but every human, if honest, craves someone to get that.  We want to be wanted by someone we want.  Chivalry may not be completely dead, but it sure is rare... or taken.  I get so caught in my dreams because reality never measures up, but those dreams build up upon themselves and reality only disappoints me even more.  I hope there is a point to it all.  I hope I have a destiny. But once more, this all still revolves around dreams.  Sometimes I push just to get through the day to escape to music or film or literature or my own chaotic mind to bring some creative peace that may not be real, but it sure makes me feel better.  That is until reality rises with the sun.  It is a vicious cycle.  Almost like alcohol and a hangover.  And suddenly addicts are viewed by me more as victims rather than bad guys.  Coping negatively with negative situations is only natural.  Positive proaction is far more difficult.  I feel a certain extent of numbness.  And that frightens me far more than any pain.