Waiting To Be Saved By That Which Broke Me

You led me into your heart's room
And asked to be my groom.
I replied, "Yes, most certainly,"
But you  changed the lock after giving me the old key.
I'm turning pages,
And you're turning tables.
This fragile switching of phases
Nothing is stable.

I'm so in love, but I forgot to love myself.
I love you so very much, but you put me on the shelf.
You forgot to love me too.

While searching for your heart, I found your flaw.
While hiding to be found, I got lost.
While searching for our mountain, I found our fall.
While searching for the sun, I found the moon.
While searching for myself, I found you.

I'm so in love, but I forgot to love myself.
I love you so very much, but you put me on the shelf.
You forgot to love me too.

What a perfect disaster, messed so beautifully
Waiting to be saved by that which broke me.

Shall I Run, or Shall I Fall?

We take one step forward, and then we take three back.
You declared war; yes, you were the first to attack.
So, slowly close your eyes.
Take a deep breath and release.
When you open will you find,
Will you still find me?

And so, where does that leave you, leave me?
Where does that leave us?
Where do we go from here?
I never wanted all of this fuss.
I never wanted the whole world.
I never asked for all the diamonds and every pearl.
All I ever wanted was you, you to want me too.

I look up at the stars,
And I look up at the sun,
And I know who you are,
And I know you are the one,
Yes, I know what you have done,
But you are still the one.

This wasn't my sole intention,
But my sole intended otherwise.
All my certainties of your flaws
Become doubts when you look into my eyes.

Grab your long-sleeve tee
And meet me outside.
I am here for any need;
I am a safe place to confide.
Please, dear, don't fear.
It's just you and me here.
Share your secrets, your blanket, your heart.
I swear to protect, in my own,your shaking hands
As long as you do your part
And give me this dance.

Love at First Sight?

       Love at first sight?  Hah!  I have always figured this a ridiculous notion existing only in the lame fictional love stories through which the author was not even creative enough to think of an inclination on a relationship.  This idea could not have been more wrong.  I do not know what happened, but I witnessed it.  I experienced it.  Something certainly was different about that boy I saw.  However, there were no butterflies, no fireworks, not anything in the mushy gushy category.  In fact, quite on the contrary, I could not decide whether he was utterly ignorant and I would never remotely like him as a human being, or he was that shy, awkward kid that could be the project of my often titled "social butterfly" self.  Either I would avoid him to save my nerves or break the ice, introduce him to a few other quiet types, feel good about my good deed as I went about making actual friends.  How would I find which would ring true?  Naturally, I compliment his dance moves during a group game.  After taking a few moments to either ignore me or look down (his well over 6ft stature towered over my under 5ft body) to realize I was speaking to him.  He replied with an almost confused, or amused, "thanks" and a half smile.  I had made no progress in my deciphering.  Turns out he is in my film class. Through class introductions (everyone loves those...not) it is revealed that his favorite movie is Forrest Gump and he wants to be a psyche major and build an orphanage in a third world country; I was shocked and amazed.  Was I  completely off base?  This impressiveness was altered when he slept through the rest of the class.  Not to toot my own horn, but I like to consider myself a decent people- reader.  I had been right so far about all these folks, and then, there was this guy.  The next day, as we moved from our classroom to the lecture hall, I formally introduced myself, not as if this were out of character for me.  He responded in a robotic, yet kind manner, returning the favor.  Since he has no idea  that I even have a blog, much less do I have his permission to use his name, we shall call him Landon, because, well, simply because I like that name.  Landon and I sat together that class.  After two hours, we left that classroom strangers still.  That evening, after being ditched three times and an awful and lonely ride, I was enjoying a girls' night with my R.A. group at the Voices of Lee and Newsboys concert.  I laughed, worshipped, hung out, and had a surprisingly good time.  This was only the beginning, little did I know.  Somehow, oh how I hated getting to the buses and deciding which fateful locomotive held the best possible next couple of hours of my life, I was separated once again from my group.  All I can say is, when we get out of His way, God does incredible things, even little things for the utter joy of His beloved children.  Landon was beside his roommate, Mason (keep in mind my own creating of names for security) in the back seat, I sat in front with the rad Grayson, and two girls I met in front of us.  As I climbed to my inner window seat, Landon was making rhythmical taps and beats with his hands and feet.  Of course, I informed him that I was the only white girl on a step/ dance team, and, this time, I shocked him...in a good way.  Turns out, so was he, with the exception of guys, not girls.  Then, how this happened I have yet to know, we all began singing, sometimes pretty darn well, if I may add.  Country songs, movie songs, classic songs, R&B songs, you name it, we performed it.  After running low on a music pool of things we all knew, we chilled and chatted.  Mason was speaking to the lovely female in front of me, so I attempted to scoot over so as not to interfere since Grayson did not mind.  This also moved me closer to Landon.  Once again, exactly how it happened is a blur, this ride went into morning hours, anyhow, we began talking about music.  I listened to, how does one put it, little- known music, and guess what? So did Landon.  He asked me about countless bands and I was amazed to find this guy who wore Polo ( no offense anyone) not only knew about, but liked.  Then I mentioned how the greatest show I ever went to was Needtobreathe, who was very possibly my favorite band, which for me, the indecisive girl who listens to SO much music, is a major deal even playing with the idea of favorites.  Landon's jaw literally dropped.  In the darkness I had failed to notice, which he quickly revealed, his Needtobreathe shirt he was wearing because they were his favorite band.  This continued until, unfortunately, we arrived back to that beautiful Lee University campus.  As we unloaded, foot plus height difference and all, Landon told his R.A. Josh, arguably one of the coolest people to ever walk this planet, that we were having a moment.  My heart dropped.  My life up until this moment had given little time or care to the pursuit of fairytale, emphasis on "up until this moment."  After a hug from this new, friend, I suppose we could call, I walked back to my dorm feeling more girly than I ever had.  The next day, Landon asked to sit by me in class, yes, this shy guy initiated something, and this time, nothing was strange.  We walked to our group meeting and I fell in love with every detail he told me about himself.  He was a dancer.  He was from Athens, argo, a GA Dawgs fan.  He taught ballroom dance and etiquette classes.  He was humble (this one he did not tell me; I figured it out.)  The walk from one side of campus to the other went by unnaturally quickly, and upon walking in, he was saying something about us sitting somewhere when I was summoned by my group.  I went over to them, hurting both of our feelings, and I would have certainly done that differently if I could redo.  However, I caught up with him later on the way to bowling, and this bus ride is quite frankly the best moment of my seventeen years at this present moment.  We listened to music, our music, as he shared more and more beautiful details of himself.  He even  showed pictures and videos to assist commentate.  He took a gorgeous down syndrome young lady to prom.  He genuinely loved his family.  He enjoyed deep conversations about life.  He went to Goodwill to buy long sleeve tees, which he really liked.  He goes by his middle name.  He plays basketball.  He cannot drink regular chocolate milk because his friend and he had discovered some sort of organic chocolate milk that he swears is the best ever.  His brother and my brother have the same name.  His favorite number is three.  He loves Jesus.  He jokingly asked me to marry him, took a picture of us that he sent to his home friends that "approved." My heart did not just drop.  More like it flew or was stolen.  Once again, we had so very much in common, but I could not even focus on this fact because I was so infatuated with who he was and his heart, not a shallow, obsessive infatuation like that of a starstruck fangirl.  I legitimately wanted to spend time with him and learn more about him.  It made me content.  And how he acted made me think the feeling was mutual.  The next week and a half flew by.  Schedule conflicts and other factors hindered and actually drew us apart to an extent.  Here I sit, another week after it all ended.  Upon asking for one last hug in case we never saw each other again, although there did not seem to be much confidence behind the words, Landon replied, "We will."  So that initial strange feeling, was it love at first sight?  Interest at first sight?  Dislike at first sight that completely changed in a short time period?  Or, perhaps, it was no stereotype nor known described cliche.  Perhaps Landon and I had something, created something, that was not in any of the history or fiction books.  This seems exciting, oh, it was! But there are certainly tough repercussions that follow. How does one move one, yet not let go of, the greatest experience that has potential to not totally end?  Being a girl sucks.  The waiting game, waiting to be chased and cared for my our very own Prince Charming, is so much more difficult when it is with someone you hardly know that lives, well, not next door, to say the least.  Distance leaves me more confused than ever.  Prayer upon prayer, wish upon wish, flower upon flower, star upon star, maybe, just maybe the person you fall for falls head over heels for you as well.  This is not the end to this story.  I will not let it be.  Just a quick last word of advice, ask her/ him to dance.

The 17th Year.

       Well, as of the 5th of January of this year, 2013, I am now 17 years of age.  I feel like I have little to show for it.  I should already have a record deal and Oscar nomination..or at least just one of these.  A character of a long- running television drama would suffice.  Time is flying by.  But not in a good way as I work my way through life (high-school) with giving as little of my heart and soul away to have a steady, normal friend base.  The result?" I know everyone" and everyone knows who I am...but few know me... if any.  I am not looking for pity or sympathy.  I just want to feel something.  I can be so driven.  I can be so disciplined.  So why am I not? Or why am I not getting anywhere with it?  I want to make a difference.  I want to be something.  I want to be someone.  At times I feel as though my feelings are so strong for a reason.  I am destined for more than typicality. And other times I feel as though every middle class American is a bundle of broken dreams and regret.  This regret may be for things wished to be undone.  And some regrets, most I would imagine, are the lack of spontaneity, the risks not taken.  Money can buy happiness.  However, money cannot fill voids nor provide lasting joys.  Still essential to life, of course it is, but it sure does complicate things. Then there are relationships.  A junior in high-school should have a best best friend and boy friend at all times, right?  Boy, I hope not.  If so, add another fail to the list.  Do not get me wrong, I am not one of those girls who gets all mushy gushy, but every human, if honest, craves someone to get that.  We want to be wanted by someone we want.  Chivalry may not be completely dead, but it sure is rare... or taken.  I get so caught in my dreams because reality never measures up, but those dreams build up upon themselves and reality only disappoints me even more.  I hope there is a point to it all.  I hope I have a destiny. But once more, this all still revolves around dreams.  Sometimes I push just to get through the day to escape to music or film or literature or my own chaotic mind to bring some creative peace that may not be real, but it sure makes me feel better.  That is until reality rises with the sun.  It is a vicious cycle.  Almost like alcohol and a hangover.  And suddenly addicts are viewed by me more as victims rather than bad guys.  Coping negatively with negative situations is only natural.  Positive proaction is far more difficult.  I feel a certain extent of numbness.  And that frightens me far more than any pain.

CHRISTMAS.

     Christmas- my absolute FAVORITE season has passed yet another year. Yet another year that it never felt like "Christmastime."  Another year that the holiday "creeped" upon us all, and we have yet to believe it is over.  It comes the same time each year.  How can we not be prepared for it?  Not necessarily what we wrap, but our hearts.  Why can we not believe it is Christmas? It sounds like a personal problem that even I, lover of any and all things Christmas, is guilty of.  It does not feel like Christmas because we do not feel like it.  I do not think this is a conscious doing.  I certainly do not go out of my way to rush through this time.  The world is going down hill.  This we all know.  And this is an inevitable sign of our coming again Lord that Christmas is built around at its essence.  However, how we respond is entirely up to us.  Let us be prepared.  Let us prepare our hearts, and others, of the joy, the magic, the love that only Christmas can bring in such a united manner.  Better yet, let us be Christmas to the world year 'round.  Challenge accepted.  Merry Christmas, and happy new year. Here's to the Christmas-est year ever of life...Until next year.