The Man 5 Houses Down

       I cannot tell you his name.  He may have a wife he treat(s/ed) like royalty, a son in his spittin' image, a granddaughter whom looks forward to nothing more than a trip to his house, but I would not know.  I cannot tell you his age, though a completely grey head gives way to assumptions that he has lived a fair share of sunrises and sunsets...not a fair enough share.  I know him as the encouraging man five houses down.  Whenever I run and feel as though I cannot go on(whether in my workout or in life in general) I go by his house and he takes a pause from washing his truck to give me a smile, thumbs up, and on occasion, an encouraging word.  For seven days now, one week, I have run by that house with no such experience.  The truck is gone.  Yesterday, two American flags and two military flags were in his yard.  It is Memorial Day weekend.  Perhaps that is why they were placed there? So where is he? I suppose he must have served our country? I suppose he has saved me in multiple ways.  And I cannot tell you his name.  Did he have a good life?  Was he prepared to leave? Is he gone? Permanently? Although the phrase YOLO rides on the wrong side of my nerves, our shortage of time has been on my mind more than usual as of late- almost to a bothered state.  Death is natural.  It is not negative.  It is not the enemy.  Death is not truly what we fear.  Death marks the moment we have no more moments to do all we need to, all we want to, all we were meant to.  We are afraid of the lack of life we may or may not have accomplished when our time to meet Jesus comes.  Do not live in fear.  Let that fear be the fuel to chase your dreams, no matter how trivial they may seem.  And pray that I can take my own advice.

Masterpiece of Tangled Beauty and Beast

     We are all breaking, if not broken.  The said words are less important than the unspoken.  If I thought it'd do any good, I'd share a token, the most valuable thing I own, but poor in money, I'm rich in the unseen. But you don't care much for that; it doesn't produce a pretty penny.  As the dagger hits your heart, I see your swollen eyes soften. The three most deceiving, most healing words, said too often, but not meant enough: "I love you." But does anyone? Have we allowed sacrifice, being selfishly selfless, show us what to truly love truly means?  And so, what have we to show, to be, without passion the actual root of anything. And so, it is all about the money, the fame, the items, the name.  If only we were so driven for mankind, the kind of man would be entirely changed.  First, the soul, then the face. Coping is sin, for not in the natural, but how we choose. What's your addiction, and perhaps I will share a glimpse of mine? Oh, no! Our mutual assistant would never allow that, goes by the title pride.  Have you ever seen anything so tragic? Encountered anything so beautiful? So messy the human heart?  The epic, age-old battle between spite and love, below and above, so evident yet so convoluted.  "It's complicated." We say everything lies in the grey area, yet we are the ones who twist it.    It is simple, right and wrong. Good and bad.  To love, not to love.  We add conditions, circumstances, track records, and suddenly the picture is an abstract piece of art.  A masterpiece of tangled beauty and beast. I have no answer, no potion, no wise word, or solution.  All I know at the end of a day full of dreams and their fitting procrastination: We are a purposed creation.

She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain when She Comes

     Well, it has been awhile. During this time, my entire world has been altered, yet, at the same time, it is all the same. I have been diagnosed with PCOS, poly cystic ovarian syndrome (not to be confused with poly cystic ovaries.)  This comes along with a list of beyond annoying symptoms.  Pray for me, por favor.  My junior year prom is totally out of hands and will more than likely not come close to any expectations I had hoped for.  However, I got a free and spectacular dress and a date!  No, he is not my boyfriend.  I am unaware for certain any non-friendly feelings... never say never, though, right? I do feel bad for him.  It will take a lot right now for the exception to prove to me the rule I have validated that a boy being anything more than my friend is a complete and utter fail.  They are so good at keepin' you strung along, being great at moments, then, at the worst possible moment, becoming so unresponsive and/ or rude, one may or not write songs about it... anyhow, right now is just a giant "wait a moment" from life.  I will try keep you updated... in less than six months this time.  Be breezy, long lost amigos.

The 17th Year.

       Well, as of the 5th of January of this year, 2013, I am now 17 years of age.  I feel like I have little to show for it.  I should already have a record deal and Oscar nomination..or at least just one of these.  A character of a long- running television drama would suffice.  Time is flying by.  But not in a good way as I work my way through life (high-school) with giving as little of my heart and soul away to have a steady, normal friend base.  The result?" I know everyone" and everyone knows who I am...but few know me... if any.  I am not looking for pity or sympathy.  I just want to feel something.  I can be so driven.  I can be so disciplined.  So why am I not? Or why am I not getting anywhere with it?  I want to make a difference.  I want to be something.  I want to be someone.  At times I feel as though my feelings are so strong for a reason.  I am destined for more than typicality. And other times I feel as though every middle class American is a bundle of broken dreams and regret.  This regret may be for things wished to be undone.  And some regrets, most I would imagine, are the lack of spontaneity, the risks not taken.  Money can buy happiness.  However, money cannot fill voids nor provide lasting joys.  Still essential to life, of course it is, but it sure does complicate things. Then there are relationships.  A junior in high-school should have a best best friend and boy friend at all times, right?  Boy, I hope not.  If so, add another fail to the list.  Do not get me wrong, I am not one of those girls who gets all mushy gushy, but every human, if honest, craves someone to get that.  We want to be wanted by someone we want.  Chivalry may not be completely dead, but it sure is rare... or taken.  I get so caught in my dreams because reality never measures up, but those dreams build up upon themselves and reality only disappoints me even more.  I hope there is a point to it all.  I hope I have a destiny. But once more, this all still revolves around dreams.  Sometimes I push just to get through the day to escape to music or film or literature or my own chaotic mind to bring some creative peace that may not be real, but it sure makes me feel better.  That is until reality rises with the sun.  It is a vicious cycle.  Almost like alcohol and a hangover.  And suddenly addicts are viewed by me more as victims rather than bad guys.  Coping negatively with negative situations is only natural.  Positive proaction is far more difficult.  I feel a certain extent of numbness.  And that frightens me far more than any pain.

CHRISTMAS.

     Christmas- my absolute FAVORITE season has passed yet another year. Yet another year that it never felt like "Christmastime."  Another year that the holiday "creeped" upon us all, and we have yet to believe it is over.  It comes the same time each year.  How can we not be prepared for it?  Not necessarily what we wrap, but our hearts.  Why can we not believe it is Christmas? It sounds like a personal problem that even I, lover of any and all things Christmas, is guilty of.  It does not feel like Christmas because we do not feel like it.  I do not think this is a conscious doing.  I certainly do not go out of my way to rush through this time.  The world is going down hill.  This we all know.  And this is an inevitable sign of our coming again Lord that Christmas is built around at its essence.  However, how we respond is entirely up to us.  Let us be prepared.  Let us prepare our hearts, and others, of the joy, the magic, the love that only Christmas can bring in such a united manner.  Better yet, let us be Christmas to the world year 'round.  Challenge accepted.  Merry Christmas, and happy new year. Here's to the Christmas-est year ever of life...Until next year.

A Pilgrim and an Indian Have a Party

       Thanksgiving typically brings up similarly following subjects: turkey, casseroles(green bean,sweet potato, etc.), turkey, black Friday,  turkey, traveling,  turkey.  Nothing is wrong with any of this.  I, like every other good American, does enjoy a tasty meal(or more) on this beloved holiday.  However, does anyone remember why we gorge upon delicious foods? Upon asked, many would say "Pilgrims" or perhaps "Indians" or maybe even "America", but the gorging did have a purpose.  The 

Pilgrims had been through thick.  They had known famine as an unending characteristic of their new life.  They chose freedom over security.  They gave up prosperity to follow a calling.  What is more, the people that should have been (and some were for a time) enemies ended up being their God-sent heroes, literally.  The story may not be forgotten, but with time the impact loses power.  As elastic loses its stretch over time, stories of old often seem less relatable. People do not change.  Our flesh has not changed since the beginning of time.  Add a few iPhones, tablet, and possibly a flying car, and the story of the first Thanksgiving could happen today.  I love pumpkin.  I love a great sale.  Let us not lose sight of the sacrifice and important time of family(even the ones that do not technically share the same blood).  Also, cliche as it sounds, let us not forget thankfulness does not have to only be a once a year thing. And finally, it is officially Christmas time, the most wonderful time of the year, to say the least.

A Secret.

We're far too alike, you and I.
 We can't accept compliments and smile through the crap of life.
To each other we vent and confide
But we leave just the same.
We're growing and learning the meaning and importance of being selflessly selfish.
I wish I could put into words what this is; I wish I knew myself.
I have always been so independent,so what's this sudden need for help?
I don't wanna admit, but you are the nicest thing.
Nice in multiple ways and in multiple ways does my heart go.
I want this to remain a secret,but I want you to know.
We run around the rules,the ones that keep us from our fate.
We search for our shot,but end up being the bate.
Love- a word-an action,feeling,and state of being,
Said too often, and not meant enough.
But until my reflection shines true
I can't love me,and can't truly love you.